God knows is killing me
by AinhoaGC
Summary: Charles Carson and Elsie Hughes have a secret, that has existed for years, including before they started working at Downton Abbey.
1. Chapter 1

She slowly closed the door of Mr. Carson's pantry, what made him look at her and smile as he stood up from his chair. Mrs. Hughes showed him a letter and smiled with tears in her eyes.

-Did you read it?

-No. I wanted to read it with you.

He slowly took it from her hand, opened it and read it quickly. When he finished he looked at her with a small smile on his lips.

-My mother says that she has started school, and she has a few friends already. She hopes to see us by Christmas.

-Maybe we could take some time off before Christmas, take a train and see them.

-Like we do always?

-Yes. She would be happy to see us, no?

-My mother or Jane?

-Both. But I think Jane would be happier.

-Do you know what she wants for her birthday?

-I saw a doll in a shop, and she's always telling us how much she would like to have a doll.

-How much?

-50 £.

-Well, is more than what I had in mind.

-But think of how happy the doll will make her.

-Alright. You go this evening and buy it.

She nodded, approached him and looked at the letter. She took it from his hand and read it herself. At the end of it a small hand had sign it with the name Jane. She looked at Charles and then back to the letter.

-You miss her no?

-How not to miss her. She's our little one.

-I know, and I wish she could be here with us, but remember that no one knows about us or her, and it must remain like that for as long as we can hide it.

-Sometimes I really wonder how we both agreed to do something like this.

-Because you were young, and I didn't want to fail my father.

-But it's not a sin. We did it because our families arranged it, and I don't think we should be ashamed of it. Why hide it?

-I'm not ashamed, but I don't want you to be out in the street if they find out about Jane, or about us. God knows we need the money for her, and for your sister. It must remain like this Elsie, and I know that you don't like it, but it must be this way.

-I know. Stupid rules.

-Elsie!

-It's true.

-I know, but we must be careful. There was just one time we weren't careful and now we have Jane.

-I hope you don't regret it.

-Of course I don't. But we must be careful.

-Alright.

She kissed him on the cheek, and smiled.

-You still have it Charles?

He nodded and walked to his desk. He took a small picture from one of the drawers, walked back to where she was standing and showed it to her.

-Isn't she beautiful?

In the picture there was a small girl, laughing, with a pair of beautiful blue eyes, pretty auburn curls, rosy cheeks and with a snub nose, in Elsie's arms, who was smiling at her.

-I'm sure that when she grows up she will look like you.

-She will be like you Charles. She has always been very loyal.

A tear escaped from Elsie's eyes, which Charles saw and wiped away with his thumb.

-We won't be able to see her for her birthday, will we?

-I don't think so. But we can give the doll to my mother and she can give it to her in her birthday.

-It won't be the same. But well, we can't help it can we?

-That's the price we must pay.

More tears fell from her eyes, and she turned away from him so he wouldn't see them. She was a proud woman.

-Elsie, I know how you feel. And there's no need to hide the tears from me. After all I'm your husband, no?

She turned and hid on his chest, crying.

-I'm sorry, but I'm her mother and I'm not with her. And it hurts.

-I know, and I'm here.

He kissed her hair, and held her until he felt she had stopped crying. He placed a finger under her chin and made her look at him.

-Don't cry, you are too beautiful to cry.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door, they quickly run to opposite sides from the room and made it look as if they were busy. Mrs. Patmore entered the room.

-Mr. Carson his Lordship is in the kitchen. He wants to talk to you.

-Of course. If you'll excuse me Mrs. Hughes.

He left the room, followed by Mrs. Patmore, leaving the poor Mrs. Hughes alone with the picture still in her hands. She looked down at it and after a few seconds she left it in the drawer, left the room, closing the door, and run upstairs.

She stumble into Anna in the stairs, and looked at the ring in her hand. Her wedding ring. She smiled at her and hurried upstairs faster. Not very sure how she found herself in front of the door of her room. She opened it and walked to her closet, threw everything out of the drawers, and as soon as she found the little box she sat on the bed with it in her hands.

-Forgive me Charles, but God knows that it's killing me.-She opened it and found a beautiful golden ring. She took it out and placed it in her third finger, admiring it.-After all, I'm a mother and a wife, not just a housekeeper. And I'm sorry I haven't done it before. Really sorry.

She walked back downstairs, and saw that there was no one. She thought that maybe they had gone upstairs. She was walking to the kitchen when suddenly there was a knock on the door. She looked around and walked to open it to find a woman with a little girl in her arms, and a few suitcases on the floor next to them.

Mrs. Hughes's breath caught in her throat, and thought that maybe she had fallen asleep in her sitting room and was dreaming.

-Mum!-The little girl jumped from the woman's arms and run to Mrs. Hughes, hugging her legs.

She looked down at the little girl and then back to the woman. She kneeled and took the little girl in her arms, hugging her close to her chest.

-Mummy, I can't breathe.

-Sorry sweetheart. What are you doing here?- She looked at the woman, whose eyes were full of tears.

-You better tell Charles to come here.


	2. Chapter 2

Mrs. Hughes had little Jane in her arms, who had fallen asleep, and Mr. Carson was sitting next to her, looking at his mother.

-And when I saw the fire I took her and the suitcases out of the house before it burned.

-You took fathers things?

-Yes, including the big drawing his father did for him.

-And what are you going to do? You can't stay here, they would fire us if they discovered about you or Jane.

-Just for the night Charles, Jane is asleep, and I wouldn't want to wake her up.

-But what about my mother, Elsie?

-Anna's room is free; she could sleep there, at least tonight.

-And where will Jane sleep?

-With me of course. Where else do you think she could sleep?

-Nowhere better than with her mother.

-I'm taking her upstairs; you take your mother to her room, and make sure no one sees you.

He nodded, kissed her lightly on the lips, while she stood up and walked upstairs. She stopped in front of her room, opened it and placed Jane on the bed. She walked to the bathroom, changed into a nightgown and then walked to Jane, took her shoes off and her coat, and opened the bed. She laid down on it and placed Jane beside her. Jane put her head on her mother's chest.

She was almost asleep when a quiet knock on the door startled her. The door opened quietly to show Charles, with his pyjamas on.

-What are we going to do? - He took one of her chairs and placed it next to the bed.

-I don't know. We'll think about it tomorrow, you better go to sleep.

-No, we have to find a solution for this. We can't have them here, and you know it.

-And what should we do?

-I don't know, and unless you want them far away from you, they are staying here until they find a house near Downton.

-Elsie, you are mad. They can't stay here. I'm not hiding my mother in the closet.

-Charles, don't be a full.

Jane moved in the bed and Elsie looked down at her. The little girl opened her eyes and sat on the bed, looking at her parents.

-Mum, Dad, granny and I did the right thing coming here no?

-Of course you did sweetheart, your father and I were just talking.

The little girl looked at her father and got out from the bed to hug him.

-I missed you daddy.

-I missed you too darling.

-Mum, can I play tomorrow in the garden? Granny didn't let me play in the garden when we were in the other house, and now that we are in this big house…

-Alright, after I've finished my duties in the morning I'll go with you, okay?

The little girl smiled and jumped back into the bed, hugging her mother.

-Alright, now back to sleep. I still have to work tomorrow.

She nodded and laid in the bed, smiling at her father.

-Good night daddy.

-Good night darling, good night Elsie.

He stood up, put the chair back in place and got out from the room.

The next morning Elsie woke up by a knock on the door, and she slowly got out from the bed, careful not to wake Jane up, and walked to the door. Charles was there, already in his uniform.

-My mother is changing, and I thought that maybe they could stay in your sitting room, with you, unless you have to move from one side to the other from the house.

-I could say that I don't want to be disturbed, that I'm not feeling well and stay with them.

-Alright, you better get dressed and dress Jane, no one is awake yet, and we can have breakfast with her and my mother.

She nodded and closed the door. She walked to the bed, and run a hand through Jane's hair. She moved a bit and turned, opening her little blue eyes.

-Jane, darling, it's time to wake up.

-I'm tired.

-I know, I'm tired to, but you said that you wanted to play outside no?

Jane's face lighted up and she quickly got out of the bed. She run to the bathroom and brought the hairbrush, which she gave to her mother.

-It's not very cold, is it mum?

-No.

-Then can I wear the white dress?

-Of course you can.

Elsie finished brushing her hair and walked to the suitcase to open it. She helped Jane with the dress and then went to get dress herself. When she got out from the bathroom Jane was sitting in the bed, playing.

-Come on sweetheart, I'm sure you are hungry and you want to eat.

Jane jumped from the bed and run to her mother, taking Elsie's hand on hers. They walked slowly downstairs and to the kitchen where Charles and his mother were having a cup of tea. Little Jane run to her father, who took her in his arms and kissed her cheek.

-My mother says that is alright. Did you tell Jane?

-Yes, while we were walking downstairs.

-And what do you say darling.

-I don't mind daddy, but you promised me that I could go out and play.

-You can, but you must not let anyone see you. Your mother will be there watching you, okay?

-Yes daddy. Now, can I have a glass of milk?

They didn't have a very busy day, and Elsie was grateful for that. She spent the whole day with Jane, playing in her sitting room, until lunch time. They decided to go out to the garden, and Jane was jumping and laughing, playing in the grass. Elsie was happy; at last being able to be a mother had given her the happiness she was looking for.

Suddenly she heard Charles gong, and she stood up from the grass, and walked a few steps to see him telling her to go back. She nodded and was about to turn around when she heard a scream. She run to Jane, afraid that see might have fallen, or something. But what she saw made her blood freeze. Two men had taken Jane by the arms and were trying to get her inside a car. Elsie run to them and tried to help her daughter, but one of the men slapped her, what made her lose her balance and fall to the floor, hitting her head with it.

-Mum!- Jane was trying to escape, trying to run to her mother's arms, which was lying motionless on the floor.

After struggling to get her inside they sat her in the back of the car and drove away, leaving Elsie on the floor. After a few minutes Elsie started to move, and found herself on the floor. She quickly stood up with a pounding pain in her head.

-Jane! - no one but her own voice answered her.- JANE!- She was crying and those warm tears burned her skin. She tasted something metallic in her mouth, so she placed her hand there and then looked at it. There was blood, but she didn't care.

She kept on screaming her daughter's name for around fifteen minutes, but since no one answered her she run back to the house and entered the servants halls. Alfred, James, Thomas and a few maids that where there looked at her, shocked.

-Where's Mr. Carson?- Her voice was shaking, but she managed to sound firm enough.

-Serving lunch.

She run upstairs, and entered the room, without knocking and looked at Charles, who dropped the wine and broke the bottle. The family looked at her with shocked faces, while a footman cleaned the disaster the broken bottle had caused.

-What on earth happened to you?- Charles looked at her no very sure what to do.

-They have taken her.- Elsie was crying, and felt as if she was going to faint.

-Who?

-They have Jane.

Charles' heart stopped beating and after a few seconds he run to her, holding her close to him.


	3. Chapter 3

-How on earth were they able to take her if you were with her?

-I turned around… because you were calling us… and then I heard her screaming… and then…- She couldn't speak, the words were stuck in her throat, forming a lump.

-Breath Elsie, then you keep going, okay? - She nodded, took a couple of deep breaths and looked at him.

-Two men were taking her to a car, I tried to… but one of them hit me and I lost consciousness… When I woke up she was gone.

New rivers of tears started falling from her eyes so Charles held her close to him. Everyone in the table was looking at them, shocked at how improper they were being. But no one dared to say anything.

-Everything will be aright Elsie, don't worry, we'll find her.

-Charles, if something happens to her…

-She's strong, don't worry. - She looked at him and smiled. – That's my girl.

He was about to kiss her when a voice screamed his name. He quickly turned to see that Lord Grantham was standing next to his chair, looking at him.

-What on earth is going on Carson?

-I'm sorry m'lord. It's something private.

-Then I'm sure you thought that discussing it here with Mrs. Hughes was the right thing, no?

-Of course not m'lord.

-Then if you don't mind Mrs. Hughes, we were having lunch.

-Of course I mind!- She slowly walked to the table and placed both hands on it.- I need help, we both need help, to find her. Help us m'lord, if you don't I will find her on my own.

-Find who?

-Don't Elsie.

-Maybe you don't want her back Charles, but I do!- She was crying, with one hand on her chest.

-What is that? - Lady Mary was pointing at Elsie's hand. She looked down and saw the ring.

-I'm sorry m'lady, it was a secret.

-Elsie, - Charles walked to the table and placed himself next to her. - why are you wearing it?

-I'm sorry Charles, but we've been hiding it for too long. I couldn't hide it any more.

-Excuse me, but I don't understand a thing. –Lady Edith stood up from her chair and looked at them.

-I'll explain it to them Charles, don't worry. Mr. Carson and I have known each other for many years, even before we came to Downton. Our families knew each other, and as soon as I turned eighteen they told us that we were going to get married. I knew that if my mother had approved of it before she died it was the right thing. And Mr. Carson didn't want to fail his father, so we got married. He knew that I wanted to work here, so we agreed to come here, together and work, but we wouldn't tell anyone about the marriage. Everything was going fine until one night we slept together, and I got pregnant. We knew that it would be the end of my career, but I managed to leave the house, telling you that my sister was very ill, and I spent almost a year with Mr. Carson's mother, until I gave birth and I had to come back. We've been hiding it for years, but I can't go on. The house they were living in burned down yesterday, and they came here because they didn't have anywhere else to go. Jane is my daughter, and we were out in the garden when… when everything happened. And I want her back.

Elsie started crying and sat on the floor. Charles sat next to her and held her close to him.

-I'm sorry Elsie. We should have done this many years ago. It's my fault.

-It's not your fault Charles… But right now we have to find her.

-How?

-We'll help you. – Her Ladyship walked to their side and placed a hand on Mrs. Hughes shoulder. – You just wanted a job, and you have served this house for so long, that we don't mind you two being married, and the little girl. I'm sure we will find her.

A knock on the door made everyone turn to see Thomas. He approached Lord Grantham and gave him a letter. He slowly opened it and read it.

-Oh God.

-What is it Robert?

-Some crazy people have kidnapped her thinking that she belongs to us. That she's our granddaughter and they want 10.000 pounds for her.

-But we don't have that much amount of money m'lord.

-Don't worry, we'll pay.

-Papa!- Lady Mary looked at him.- That's a lot!

-And what do you want Mary? That Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes live forever without their daughter because we didn't pay?

-Of course not.

-Then… They want Mr. Carson to go and give them the money. If they have the money they will give you your daughter back.

-When m'lord?

-Tomorrow morning.

-You want me to drive you to the bank m'lord?

-No need Carson, Tom will drive me. Take your wife to her room, she's very upset.

-Of course m'lord.

Charles took Elsie in his arms and carried her out from the room.

-Robert, I'm very proud of you.

-What other option do we have Cora?

-None.

-I never thought of Carson and Mrs. Hughes…

-I know Edith. And what are we going to do about that papa?

-Nothing.

-Nothing?! We can't have them here!

-Mary, what do you think of the way they have been serving this house for all this years?

-Impeccable.

-And they have been married all this time. It's not going to change anything.

-Robert, about the kidnappers, do you know anything about them?

-Yes. Just one thing, that if we don't give them the money I assure you that she won't stay alive.


	4. Chapter 4

Elsie didn't sleep a wink that night, afraid of what might happen the next morning. Around eight o'clock she got up, changed into her uniform, and walked down to the kitchen to find that Charles was already there. He smiled at her, and placed a hand on her waist.

-Don't worry; you will have her in your arms again.

-Be careful Charles, you are the only thing I have left. I don't want anything to happen to you.

-Look at me Elsie. I promise you that I will come back with her in my arms.

She smiled at him and kissed him lightly on the lips. He held her close to him and felt her warm lips through his shirt. Lord Grantham entered the kitchen to find the couple. He watched them for a minute and then knocked on the doorframe. They both turned to see him and separated.

-It's time to go Carson.

-Of course m'lord.

Charles turned back to Elsie and kissed her one more time.

-I promise you Elsie that we will have Jane back. And in case something happens remember me as your husband. Nothing else but that.

She nodded and walked with them to the door. They got into the car and drove away, leaving Elsie on the door. She followed the car with her eyes until she couldn't see them then she closed the door and walked back downstairs.

Charles drove to the center of Yorkshire to the address the kidnappers had given them. He parked and turned the engine off.

-Carson, here you have the money. Be careful, and as soon as you have your daughter run back to the car. I will be here waiting for you.

He nodded. He walked through the alley until he saw the broken sign the kidnappers had written about. He took a couple of deep breaths and looked around. The alley was dark, a place he wouldn't have wanted to be in his worst nightmares. He waited until he heard a voice.

-I assume you are Carson.

-Yes. I have the money, where's the girl?

-The girl is alright, but you are giving me one more thing.

-What?

-There's a woman in Downton, pretty young girl, which is not married. I believe her name is Edith.

-Lady Edith for you.

-Well, if they want the girl back you have to give me the money and the woman.

-For what do you want her?

-To marry her.

Charles blood froze in his veins at those words.

-Never!

-Then please, say goodbye to the little girl.

-No! Don't do anything to her. How much time do you give us?

-You have until tonight.

Charles run back to the car and Lord Grantham's heart stopped at the thought that they might have killed her. Charles sat on the car and closed his eyes.

-Carson?

-We have a problem.

-What problem?

-They want the money and Lady Edith.

-Want her for what?!

-To marry her m'lord.

Lord Grantham looked at Charles and saw the look of fear in his eyes.

-We'll go home and talk about this.

-We have until tonight to decide m'lord.

-Alright Carson.

They drove back to the house and as soon as Elsie heard it she run from the library to the entrance. She opened the door and saw the car. She saw Lord Grantham and Charles getting out of it, but there was no sign of Jane. She looked at Charles and saw the look on his eyes.

-I'm sorry Elsie.

-Where is she?

-We should talk inside.

The three of them walked back to the library. They sat on the couch, all of them, Lady Cora, Lady Mary and Lady Edith. Carson told them what the kidnapper had said and waited for Lady Edith's reaction.

-Papa, if that's the only way, I'll do it.

-But you can't do that m'lady. You still have so much life to live.

-But your daughter too Mrs. Hughes. And she deserves it more than I do.

-No! You can't do that m'lady!

-That's enough Mrs. Hughes!

-I'll do it.

-What?!

Anyone could believe what Elsie had just said. Charles looked at her, shocked.

-Elsie, you can't do that. You are already married to me!

-I would do anything for my daughter. And if I have to do this to save her I will. Do you know how to contact them?

-Elsie, think of what you are saying. You can't.

-Charles Carson, I'm her mother, and I'm going to do this even if you don't approve of it. And I ask you again: Do you know how to contact them?

-I suppose we would have to go and tell them.

-There's no need Carson.

Everyone turned to see the man that had just entered the room. He wore a grey suit and a grey hat. He took it off and looked at them with his green eyes. He groomed his moustache with his fingers and smiled at them. He walked to the couch and placed one of his hand on Mrs. Hughes's shoulder.

-It's okay if I don't get Edith; Mrs. Hughes is alright for me.

-How on earth did you get here?!- Lord Grantham stood up from the couch.

-That doesn't matter Lord Grantham. Just prepare the wedding unless you want to wake up tomorrow to find the dead body of your little Jane in your bed.

-Please Lord Grantham. - Elsie looked at him with pleading eyes.

-Alright. When do you want to get married?

-Phone the priest, we are going to the church now.

He took Elsie by one arm and carried her out of the room. They walked to the car and waited for the rest to come down. After a few minutes all of them got inside their cars and drove to the church. As soon as they got there they found a group of men in front of it, with a little girl.

-Mum! - Jane tried to run to her mother, but one of the men stopped her.

-Mrs. Hughes, let's get inside; I don't want my future wife to get nervous and tell the priest that she doesn't want to marry me.

She smiled at Jane to calm her and walked inside, followed by the family. She walked to the altar, and turned to look at Charles. A few tears fell from her eyes, and she quickly turned around so they wouldn't see them. The priest placed himself in front of the bride and groom and looked at them.

Charles stood up and walked to the back of the church, and slowly approached Jane. No one saw him.

-Jane. - He whispered, getting the little girls attention.

-Daddy, why mum is doing this?

-There's no time for that. The police are coming. As soon as you hear me shout "everyone to the floor" you have to throw yourself to the floor okay?

The little girl nodded and smiled at her father. Charles stood up and looked at Elsie, who was trying to fight the tears that were threating to fall from her eyes. There was a slight knock in one of the windows and Charles turned to see the sergeant. He nodded and took a couple of deep breaths.

-One, two three. EVERYONE TO THE FLOOR!

Almost everyone threw themselves to the floor, except Elsie and the kidnappers. The sergeant broke into the church and pointed at the men of the grey suit with his gun. No one deared to move.


	5. Chapter 5

Charles crawled on the floor, slowly, in Elsie's direction. She stood there, looking at the gun. No one paid any attention to Charles, just to the sergeant.

-We've been after you for a long time Stephen.

-Very smart.

-Of course, but this is something personal now.

-Really, why is that sergeant?

-You killed my brother, and you were going to kill Mrs. Hughes too, no?

-Of course.

-You know who Jane is, no?

-Of course, and I kept her just so you could see what I was capable of.

-You are a monster.

-Of course, but you made me this way.

Charles was approaching them, slowly. Suddenly he jumped and took Elsie by the waist, throwing them to the floor. The sergeant fired the gun and hit Stephen right in the heart. He fell to the floor, motionless. Charles covered Elsie with his body. They waited for a few minutes, but Stephen didn't move. Charles moved so Elsie could look at the body lying on the floor. She crawled towards it, and slapped. She was crying.

-Monster. Big son of a bitch! - She was hitting him and crying at the same time.

Charles took her away from Stephen and held her in his arms.

-It's over Elsie. Don't worry, I'm here. He's gone.

-Mum!

Jane run to them, while everyone stood and the sergeant took care of the rest of the kidnappers. Elsie took her in her arms and held her close.

-You've been very strong my love.

-But I was scared.

-Of course my love. But you are with us, and I'm not letting you go again.

-Elsie. -She turned to look at Charles.

-What?

-Do you love me?

-Of course I do. We are married. Why are you asking that now?

-No. Elsie, do you love me? Not just because we are married.

-I don't know what you mean.

-Elsie, we've been together for a long time, forget about the bloody ring. Please, tell me the truth. Do you love me?

-No. I don't love you.

-Thank you for being..

-Charles, let me finish. I don't love you. I adore you. I would give my life for you.

-Then, let's get married.

-Now?

-Now. But we are getting married because we love each other not because someone arranged it.

She nodded, smiled and stood up, with Jane in her arms. They both walked to the altar, with the family behind them. The priest looked at them, shocked.

-After all this and you two still want to get married?

-Yes. So if you don't mind father, I would like to marry this woman.

-I don't understand you. But well, Charles Carson, do you accept this woman to be your wife?

-I do.

-Elsie Hughes, do you accept this men to be your husband?

-I do.

-You two are already married, so need to stand for ceremonies. You can kiss the bride.

Charles took Elsie by the waist and kissed her passionately. Everyone in the church congratulated them. They both walked out of it, and Jane run to her mother.

-Well sweetheart, now that everyone knows about this, what are we going to do?

-We could, I don't know, live like a real family in Downton.

-You really mean that Charles?

His answer was a sweet kiss.


	6. Epilogue

5 YEARS LATER

Jane run from the kitchen to her mother's sitting room, hiding from Master George. She was going to close the door when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around.

-That's not fair Jane.

-But mum, he always wins.

-Just as it should be. Remember that you always win when you play cricket.

-But that's because I'm better than him.

-Of course darling, whatever you say. Now, let him find you.

Jane sighed and got out from her mother's sitting room. Elsie smiled and walked to her husband's pantry. She knocked slightly on the door and entered it. He was decanting the wine for lunch, so he didn't even look at the door.

-Who?

-Your wife and your son or daughter.

He looked at her and smiled, placing the bottle back on the table. She walked to him and kissed his lips.

-Do you need something? Or you just want me to feel our little one moving?

-Well, I came here to tell you that the garden party is going really well, and if you want you can feel the baby. It's asleep so…

She smiled and kissed his lips. They finally had what they wanted. A family and something bigger than that. A whole new life was waiting for them.


End file.
